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[personal profile] johanna_alice
I'm supposed to be happier today. I even said I was myself. Yet...

All there seems to be in my life is this obsessive [I don't even know what the right word is] thing that says the world isn't right. All I ever seem to talk about is trans-stuff and any time I can actually concentrate and feel human and useful is when I'm doing some form of activism. My flat is a bombsite and has been for months with stuff being shifted listlessly from pile to pile and back again. I couldn't face Queer Mutiny, not because of all the people, but because of the very specific few people there who I disagree with on some things and couldn't face potentially arguing with.

My life is shrinking down to four walls, an ex and two moggies. So not just me by myself, but I can remember when there was more, when I could be happy - as opposed to the merely not actively sad which passes for happy these days.

A few people have been making noises to the effect that I need to try something different - like in a work context. Or a volunteering one. **shrug** I don't care about other stuff enough to distract me from the stuff I do think about. That's why it's obsessive.

Sometimes I really do wish I was stupid and less self-insightful so I didn't have to see all this so clearly. Knowing what is happening to you and yet being helpless to change it is torture. No one can ever get away from themselves. Well they can, and that thought wanders across my mind a little more these days, but only in a morbid not desperate-enough way.

I don't know where this is going. Part of me should be, even is, happy that I'm finding ways to do stuff by myself, but it's a small amount and takes up so little of my capacity to do properly that is doesn't make much of a counterbalance for everything else.

Being happy seems like such an unreachable thing and stopping being actively unhappy so unlikely...

I can even try to put part of it into words: At a QM meeting not so long ago we had an opinionated debate about working in partnership with other groups and one member was completely against working with any kind of funded body at all. I could have pushed this one - everyone else present was for at least investigating the possibilities. But I didn't because I know how much not being listened to can affect and isolate you. I just talked about my position and eventually decided I didn't want a fight over it.

When I baled out of the Party, I really wasn't OK. I was scared and paranoid and curled up in a little ball. But I did let people know with (just) enough time to sort things out in time. I got a few messages about picking up the music and where was the QM playlist (I'm not the only person with a copy of the DVD, or the only person who doesn't know where their copy is...)? No one asked was I OK in a circumstance where I very obviously wasn't. It's not my place to criticise, but I can talk about how it made me feel that I wasn't important, just the contents of my hard-drive, and how I can't cope with the idea of going back, because I do feel a bit abandoned and am scared to go anywhere closer to these feelings.

As well as that, I've got the whole transgender thing blown up in my face. Suddenly I'm not a volunteer, don't have any structure to my time and am waiting for a board member to get back to me about the issue of internal-transphobia I've raised with them.

Really though, there's nothing going on in my to help me be happier. Right now I just with it would all stop so I can climb off the carousel for a while.


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May 2014

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