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[personal profile] johanna_alice
Didn't get everything I wanted to do this week done. Did get the important bit right though and made it to Realising Recovery on Monday. Didn't have a whole lot to do as I haven't done the training-for-trainers yet, but it was good to dust off my facilitation skills and be able to talk in front of a room full of people. Was a little insecure and did ask how I'd done - my feedback was I'd done OK :)

I'm also going to talk a little of stress and positive criticism because I encountered both.

On the one bit I was leading, we had a bit of a rush getting the materials distributed and I found myself with trainers doing stuff all around me. I default to being a little paranoid and thinking I've done something wrong. The important thing here was not that I felt this way because I don't think I could change that. What is important is that I took a deep breath, told myself that I was safe and that I trusted those who were doing stuff around me and just carried on. It was of course OK and they were making sure the segment ran smoothly. But this is one of my bugbears and I beat it :) 

The positive criticism was really useful (Thanks KJ!). I have a small issue when presenting in an environment where there is background noise. I don't project my voice enough. This is true, all my vocal therapy has been about feminisation and whilst I can now match voice to appearance most of the time, I just don't know how to increase my volume without letting go of the learnt behaviour that is my voice now. Going to try things at home, but may end up asking (my wonderful) vocal therapist for a top-up session if I'm not getting it.

One intriguing thing to come out of the day was that LRN and it's third-sector partners may be looking for volunteer administrators who would have equal status to paid staff members. Being responsible for my own workload and not encountering the volunteers-can't-do-that barrier sounds great. Doing it in a guaranteed safe-space sounds even better. I know the environment I need to function in and it looks remarkably like that. Would give me office-skills coupled with more facilitation experience whilst looking at my own recovery.

That was pretty much me for the week though. Haven't managed to get motivated enough to do anything else beside sleep (lots) and mess about with different Ubuntu installations until I ended up rejecting the latest, greatest V.11.04 in favour of V.10-RTS because I'm used to the GUI style.

Trans-stuff is very much back-burnered aside from personal stuff and TR, though TR is on a little of a go slow because I feel like I'm in a place where I may compare my ideas to other trans-projects in non-complimentary ways, as opposed to on grounds of innovation (Transition Plans, Hopefully NHS integration and continuing support in three monthly reviews for a year). I know I can do it, but there's something I need to do first :-

I need to stop being angry. I don't share the values of the organisation that nationally represents transgender issues. I think that with somewhere between 62% and 100% of TS's encountering poor mental health around their transition, that all trans-stuff should be done in safe-spaces,

The thing is, there is no place in a safe-space for anger.

So I'm going slow until I'm not so angry and distressed about internal-transphobia, exclusion and lack of positive action. Once I'm not, I can be effective again. Realising that is the first step. The rest will just take a little time...


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May 2014

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