Jan. 9th, 2011

Isolation

Jan. 9th, 2011 12:49 am
johanna_alice: (Default)
Despite my convincing a psychiatrist that I am competent to make one of the biggest decisions one can make about oneself, I'm still a screwed up neurotic girl. Since I got home, I've been sleeping fitfully and not eating. The last may finally be me accepting I need to loose weight as I'm toying with the idea of food now.

Being so neurotic isn't so easy to define. I think it's not part of my bipolarity directly. The obsessive-compulsive bit is, but the real lows, inability to cope with the idea of trying to cope and withdrawal are not solely down to it. Maybe I should think of b-p as an aggravating factor to the other stuff.

Reality is that I've always had people around me and that now through one reason or another I don't. Yes, I've got the small handful of people I trust as friends. The thing is, that trust is that they won't turn around one day and walk out of my life for reasons incomprehensible (to me). I might not always know the boundaries of sociable behaviour, might do crazy things and might seem loud and intimidating - the latter especially when I'm being passionate about something. But underneath all the idealism and angst, I'm very, very, lonely.

The last six years have taught me some very distressing lessons. That even if you are tactful, appropriate and reasonable, you can still get blamed should the someone you are those things towards manage to portray you as the protagonist in a situation they did not deserve to be in. I've learnt that love is blind and that it can be used to manipulate me with a great deal of success. I've learnt that very few people actually question things others tell them about you, particularly if you really are exhibiting some part of the behaviours you are supposedly inflicting on others.

I've learnt that mental illness and transitioning can be used as convenient excuses to exclude you.

Anger is irrelevant here. All there is is an empty feeling unless I'm with one of the wonderful people who have remained with me or become a friend since I transitioned. Up to now it's been easier, if I don't want to even explore the possibility of a sex life (and it's necessary doing stuff where I might meet someone) because my body is wrong then it's easy to place safely away and ignore it.

Only now, it seems my body will soon be as it's supposed to be and those reasons go away. I could compare it to being very excited about visiting a new place, only when you begin to see it on the horizon, it's nothing like you had imagined.

I know GRS will not make my life suddenly better and complete. I always did. But here and now, I can see how easy it is to delude yourself and how crushing the disappointment would be when you realise that everything else is exactly as it was before and that the only thing to have changed are your expectations.

Which means I have to face some cold realities. Loosing people from my life because they're transphobic and either seeing that directly or hearing the true reason via someone else is fine. Transphobia is bigotism and the only way I wish to engage with bigots is in campaigning to make their prejudice socially unacceptable. Loosing people because of my own behaviour or because others have told exaggerated or untrue (factually that is - I realise that perceptually someone may believe something is true, especially if mental illness is a factor in their perception) is far, far, harder.

There's one other thing that I've been on the wrong side of from differing perspectives twice now. Inappropriate behaviour. The first was down to my inexperience and naive belief that helping someone a bit more than above and beyond was OK. OK, until I had to distance myself when I realised what was going on. Far more recently I've been on the receiving end of someone being unaware of appropriateness in a relationship where I'm the vulnerable one. I'm unemployed, mentally ill, transitioning and very idealistic in my need to try to reduce the negative influence these things have on peoples lives. It was easy for me to misinterpret signals that the other person wasn't even aware of sending out, because I was so happy to have maybe found a new friendship... I'm still clearing that mess up and the person concerned most likely thinks this is some kind of vengeful vendetta because I got upset. It's not. I know about appropriateness and this time all I did was trust someone, it's so easy to do when you're vulnerable. It's purely about making sure another vulnerable person isn't hurt by their lack of awareness of what they're doing.

All those things are crashing down on me right now. Things I can't ever change and haunting memories of relationships I treasured until they evaporated like mist in the sun. I know I have my faults. Insensitivity, obsessiveness, inappropriateness whilst hypomanic, thinking I am right, not letting go... It would be hard to not blame myself woudn't it?

This isn't a historical retrospective. This is what's happening to me here and now. I know what the problem is, and have no idea how to change it:

I'm dealing with learned pattern behaviour that makes me unwilling to put myself into situations where I could get hurt. Since that's virtually any situation that doesn't involve the few I trust implicitly, that means every other interpersonal interaction with any degree of emotional content. I'm realising I'm unwilling to unilaterally trust anyone for fear of being hurt (again). And I have no idea how to change it.

Don't want to try to regain some of those past relationships. They're years dead and all the changes that people go through have been happening. Especially to me. I know I've changed for very good physical (hormonal) reasons. But if for example, someone thought I'd done something four years ago, there's been nothing in between to change that impression. Besides the relationship I valued so much's innocence is gone. I don't want to be looking over my metaphoric shoulder in paranoid fear of being hurt again.

I'm really not the type for dating sites/events. I'm idiosyncratic, stubborn, self-conscious and (it affects how I interact, so it's a real factor) bipolar. Structured settings with the implication of relationships would just be cutting against the grain with me. I'm curious about heterosexual sex, but I'm really, really not attracted to men. It's just a kind of if-I'd-been-born-with-the-right-bits-would-I-have-tried-it?- sort of curiosity. I'm not about to go and look for company because I'm so desperate to feel close to someone I'll ignore all the other things that contribute to my wellbeing (like personal safety and freely expressing my sexuality).

I'm unemployed. No way to meet people through work. Well there is - but my volunteer work is pretty much office-based and last time I thought merely a friendship was growing led me to four months of mental anguish...

I'm someone the world calls transsexual (if they're being polite), tranny, gender-bender, queer, homo, or any of the other wonderful descriptions the world seems to generate for people who don't fit in and too trapped behind the memories of my own bad experiences to want to even stick my toe in the water. Not a nice place to consciously be in.

I know there's no quick answer, there isn't something someone could tell me to do to change things and that any positive change will have to come from with in myself. I suppose it's even better to knowingly be aware of this than futilely wondering what is wrong. But right now, in the middle of being happy and excited I will be able to finally close the chapter of my life labelled: Transition sometime in the next six to twelve months, I just have no idea what could or should come next to address all the other things I have been able to deprioritise because of transition and bipolarity.

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