Jan. 10th, 2011


Jan. 10th, 2011 09:24 am
johanna_alice: (Default)
Today everything seems pointless and futile. Like no matter what I do, I'm unable to change the things around me for the better. I'm not asking for it to be easy - that would be lazy and arrogant. Yet I also would like to be able to see my time, efforts and abilities making a little difference. Call it ego, this desire to see something, anything. How are you supposed to get a sensible idea of what you could do if there's literally nothing to reference yourself against?

My values do tend to keep me trying. I'm not someone who can lie down and not try again if I fail, but each time I manage to pick up some of the things that are important to me, it gets harder and harder to keep hold of them. It's awful seeing this process at work because I know what I can do / should be able to do.

There's always some kind of disparity in what I think and what others do when it comes down to what I'm trying to do. The world isn't ideal - nothing is perfect - but when it comes down to the things I know about, think a lot about or that I am, I generally have a good idea how to make things better. That's not ego either. I've talked about some of my ideas to some very qualified people and they ALL seem to think there is something to my thoughts. It's hard not to believe you can achieve something if that's your feedback. Yet so often it comes down to argument, unreasonableness and entrenched opposing viewpoints.

I'm sick of it. Sick of seeing further than some of those around me. Sick of seeing things done in a mediocre fashion, and sick of my own conscience not allowing me to remain quiet. Sick enough to want to walk away from everything and fade into a life where I don't have to see all the inadequacies and inequalities that drive me to want to change things. Sick enough to look at myself and what I've got and decide I shouldn't try to help people and share what I know or have experienced.

This is depression talking. Not seeing a way forward, not wanting to push myself into continuing...

That I'm mentally ill shouldn't make a difference to how the content of what I say is listened to, that I have fears that seem very intense doesn't mean my viewpoint is being affected by anything other than those fears. That I want to have issues resolved quickly, amicably and informally so I can go back to working productively is, I am afraid, absolutely reasonable.

Safety. I don't feel at all safe right now. Circumstance is conspiring to make me very edgy and somewhat paranoid. You know the kind of thing, where things could add up to something if your assumptions of unknowns are correct...

I'm going to tiptoe close to the line here:

Everyone has the right to liberty.

That means free of constraints being imposed upon them. Constraints like fear, because when you're afraid you find the choices you have in a particular situation limited. You might not be able to do what you would choose to do without fear. You feel your safety is compromised.

It doesn't matter what the fear is, big or small it's real to the person who's safety is compromised.

In my little world, people aren't afraid to voice their fears. They know they'll be listened to, reassured and having their safety being restored a priority. Things would be dealt with quickly, fairly and conclusively. If there was blame to be attributed, it would be with a view to educate and develop insight into why a person felt afraid and how to ensure such a situation did not happen again. And when it was over the person who felt unsafe would be reassured that their voice had been listened to and taken seriously. Life would go on.

Only that is in my little world. I feel my safety has been seriously compromised and that others could be too if something isn't done about it. I feel that I'm being ignored in the hope I'll go away and anything awkward I've said can be swept under the carpet. Being left alone without any communication or progress can do that to people.

I'm not people though. I'm me, I'm not conventional, I'm not afraid of offending authority or breaching the unwritten rules of dispute. I'm bipolar and that's the single biggest factor in how I will react. Today I want to hide and let everything go because I can't bear the thought of going through any more turmoil with no resolution near. In an unknown quantity of time I'll be someone who won't give up and be kicking up the biggest fuss I can - probably in the most destructive way I can. I've been dealing with those extremes for months now and trying to maintain some kind of median line where I don't do something so negating as withdrawing into myself or as destructive as I can make it. I don't know how much longer I can cope.

At the back of my mind there's a hypothetical conversation:

Me: I don't feel safe doing that.
X:   Why not?
Me: [Explains]
X:   I see and understand why you aren't happy. How about we do _____ so you aren't in that position again?
Me: That sounds great.

Yes, not doing something might limit my options, but I'm kind-of used to that. I'd rather not be able to do one specific thing than do nothing at all. That seems reasonable. As does taking steps to ensure the situation doesn't recur for someone else too.

Note there is no blame, guilt, negativity, censure or dispute in the way I would ideally have dealt with things. I cannot believe in any bit of me that that isn't the right way to go about resolving issues. I suppose I am determined that my idea of this is absolutely right. Sorry, not ego again. I've seen far too much conflict and paid the price of winning far too often to think attributing blame is a good idea if you want to move forward.

So I want to hide. I don't want to face what is increasingly seeming like a reality I've forseen. The moment where I have to make a choice whether to push as hard as I can or withdraw completely. I'm also afraid it will be the former. There are all kind of ethical concerns for me that go far beyond my own safety and the same things that tell me I should try to make a positive difference tell me that I'm strong enough to deal with the consequences of drastic actions and too weak to allow my values to be compromised by my inaction.

Those dinosaur-killers in parking-orbit are looking attractive, just to make this turmoil STOP.

What happens to me if suddenly at 3AM, I don't want to hide anymore and instead want to shout as loudly as I can? What if I decide that something is intolerable and I need to do whatever necessary to remove it?

This isn't to say I'm going to do any of those things. I'm trying so hard to be patient, calm and constructive. But I can see my language becoming catty and sarcastic as try to I hide my emotions and hurt once more. I can see how much time I'm spending thinking how nice it would be to make things black and white. I can see how much I want to stop.

What I really want is to have some resolution and closure before it gets too much for me.

Because if I don't, I'll cry into my pillow for a while, maybe cut myself a bit, sugar binge massively. Then once I've finished doing the things you do to write-off things you care about, I'll mood-swing again. And use phrases like duty-of-care, discrimination and the rest, whether in public or private doesn't matter. A huge bit of my life would just be closed off to me.

Because I didn't feel safe and said so out loud...


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