Jan. 29th, 2011

johanna_alice: (Default)
i'm feeling sorry for myself. It's probably quite pathetic and self-indulgent. i'm not hurting anyone though, so...

There's all kinds of feelings tied up inside me with no obvious ways out. Volunteer work stuff is still at the forefront of my mind. Or rather the stupid degree of contrast between what happened when i said i didn't feel safe doing trans-stuff and just how competent i was presenting material to healthcare professionals when i was doing recovery training earlier this week.

How can it be that i feel i'm good at this kind of stuff, get good feedback and yet am still tied to what happened in August? i don't want to see ugliness or jealousy in others, but just how many reasons can there be for someone to turn on you when you haven't - in fact made a great effort not to - criticise them whilst expressing upset?

Meanwhile i want to do stupid things (to myself) because i can't cope with the idea that i might be good at something but can't do it anymore. It's just going round and round in my mind. Over and over, what did i do wrong??

The other thing is a friendship i'm finding difficult right now. i don't have any rights or claim to someones time or friendship, but i do have feelings and would like to spend time with people i care about. One of those friendships seems to be growing further and further apart and there's nothing i can do. To even mention it would bring pain and i'm not prepared to do that, which means i'm in a morass of pain and loneliness.

It's sad to say, but i've only seen one friend (Sez excluded) for an hour or so in the past few months. i'm withdrawing from life quite extensively because it all hurts so much. Or feels empty and pointless. Or like i could be good at it, but am prevented from doing so. Coping with so much negativity is very wearing.

Not got any recovery stuff on next week, but i do have a meeting with Lothian NHS's Head of Diversity to talk trans-stuff. Not via the STA or other organisation, just me doing some research and asking who i could talk to. After all this is about my treatment. i'd like it for every trans-person in the area, but again, sad to say, i'll settle for just me getting access to hair zappy stuff because it affects me so much. Then again it may well go incredibly well...

The contrast between me working at near full capacity and how i am right now is shocking in degree. i feel like a Spitfire with a dodgy throttle, one minute i can take on difficult tasks and perform wonderfully, the next i'm incapable of doing anything significant at all.

Wanting to hide is so very far away from where i want to be...

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johanna_alice

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